Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Randomize