Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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