Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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