This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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