I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
should my penis look like a turkey
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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