Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
