Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
