All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
