I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
