WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
