I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I am spending my child support on dildos
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I have aggressive nipples.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
