My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
