We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i dont even know how to be here
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
