I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
