Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
