the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
