the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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