Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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