from now on my penis is your penis
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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