I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We need a shit load of segways right now
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Randomize
