good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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