1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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