I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Randomize