I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
