1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
