census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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