No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
