WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
