he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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