Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Congratulations! We have a period
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