you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
