well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How does one acquire holy water?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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