mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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