apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
