we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
