he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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