my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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