it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
