so that wasnt chicken after all
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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