Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
