I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize