proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Shame - the story of my life.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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