Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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