fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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