yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
COCAINE IS GR8
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
