It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
