ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
