It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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