Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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