I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
