Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
