i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
