she woke up with a sticky ear
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
two words...techno handjob
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
