You surviving the open bar?
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There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
