Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
