The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
