We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
