please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
