sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
