In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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