Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So many bounce houses so little time
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
