Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
