I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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